History Repeats

today was suppose to be fun... yes it was... but there was just one tiny little part that reminded me something i didn't want to remember

i thought it already disappeared but i never knew, it was only buried... not even deep, anything small would trigger the memory...

and now it's back, i need to get it off but it's not working very well... i need to work harder and there's mighty minds tomorrow...

it's getting harder

Breath-taking

i went to the market in my Interact uniform and short pants (to avoid dirtying my slacks) and.... HEELS. yes, white ones.... but that is definitely not the highlight of the day. neither was is arriving late at jun ning's house or spending about 15 minutes waiting for adrian who is late... again.

but it was entering the children ward.

Interact Club of SMKDJ visited IJN (Institusi Jantung Negara) or National Heart Institute last Friday, 11 June 2010. i can say this with a 100% certainty to anyone out there who thinks that their life is terrible like hell, "there are people living lives a million times worse than yours". in movies, dramas, series or even advertisements, we always see people visiting hospitals, crying in front of their loved ones, so much more drama... but i just realised that the most dramatic event that could happen in a hospital is not all the tears or wails or sobs, but simply SILENCE.

a silence so great that everything around you seems to just be numbed and emotionless.

we entered the first ward and the first child we met was called Zulhairi. when we entered, his mother was simply arranging his pillows, trying to make him feel more comfortable. we started talking to him. but he was just so silent. he only gave short replies or just one or two nods with his head. but he smiled for us when we took a picture. and that was all it took for me to feel a wave of emotions in my heart.

we visited quite a number of children. all of them were connected to multiple tubes to every possible place; arms, nose, mouth, neck... i have seen them in movies before but not in real life... and it was really heart-breaking to see kids who had barely enjoyed life to be confined to the bed with tubes all over them. most of them have fresh wounds in the middle of their chest. some of them still have bloodstains on their shirts. but all of them were very quiet. they barely spoke. and to hear them speak or smile was just all we wanted for that moment....

then we visited the infants ward. all of them were sleeping soundly. :) but with the same tubes all over them... one of them started coughing and within a moment later, he started vomiting already. the nurse explained that it was due to his condition which produces excessive mucus causing too much phlegm in his throat. he was only 2 months old...

which baby deserves a beginning like this? which child deserves a childhood like this? which mother deserves to see their own infant like this?

life can be so terrible for some in this world. sophia once asked me "why are we always on the bright side?" i don't know. i really don't know. i don't understand. for a moment or two, i wished that i was the one strapped to the bed instead of that baby boy. he is barely a year old. he haven't even taken his first step. and he is already fighting for his life in a hospital bed. why? why? why?

after calming myself down, i thought maybe these answers are meant to be found. no one can answer me except God. all that matters is to help them and to love those around us before it's too late. all that matters in now.

love your life.

It's My Life

ok, i'm going to do what a normal teenager will do today... yes, i have been a lil abnormal these days... i agree :p i'm going to blog about my life! :D

alright, let's see how things went... i went for UKM Intervarsity Debate. it was TRUCKLOADS OF FUN!!! i've met so many new people and the girls from CBN!!! :D sweet young ones... haha
i saw danial (yes again) which i found out that I MET HIM WHEN I WAS IN FORM 1!!!!
yes, it's true! i was with abhi at that SUHAKAM camp and we saw danial!!! but danial only remembers him, not me... haiz... well, it was a lot of fun seeeing danial and abhi insulting each other in UKM! (indian labour....) abhi, i am seriously joking only... don't merajuk!

then i bonded even more with sophie, lean, keefe and andrew! although soph did spend most of her time at night talking on the phone... to whom i wonder?? :p i really miss you guys. although i'm in the same class as soph and lean, it's just not the same in class and in a debate session. and keefe! he's not in school anymore and it's so hard to see him these days... and andrew!!!! he's going back to US in august... haizzz, i missing them like crazy!!! ok moving on about UKM...

we also met people from other universities. it was seriously lots of fun!!!
n then, there came exams... which isn't very much like one actually.... well, it's hard to say that it is an exam when you know that if you just take a step next door or something, you can already see the paper that you will be taking a minute later. yes, it is like this. haizzz

and now i'm here, i have a physics report to hand in tomorrow but i seriously have no mood to do it. and i was just talking to my accounts teacher about students being complacent!!! omg, kids like me these days... ok, that reminds me that i have about 10 account questions...?
life is so great right??

I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY HOLS!!! i will "de-stress" myself in order to....
prepare for more stress.... S.P.M. yeap it's just a couple of months away.... but there's trials before it first, which should be worse than SPM itself. and there comes college. time passes so fast. a minute ago i still felt like i was in Form 1 going for the SUHAKAM camp.... things really can be so unpredictable in this small small world.... but i have learned something new these days,
things will fly with or without you knowing, liking or accepting.
just live life and keep that smile up at all times. :) right wern lin??

i feel..... nothing

without realising it, the heading of my last 2 post started with "i feel...."
keeping up the tradition, let this also start with "i feel..."
but this time, i feel.... nothing
nothing at all....
it happened before last year, but it was because of too many heartaches
that i came to a point that i didn't want to feel anymore....
soon, i really didn't feel anything anymore without wanting to not feel
that time, i feel slightly worried in the head because i thought it would be bad...
and yeap, my sis told me that it was bad because i was seriously being (unemotional)
but something, someone, somehow, made me feel again last year end...
but now, it happened again, just that this time, i feel even emptier
now, i think that i came to a point that i seriously don't want to feel ever again
because certain things are really too painful to take
i am just a 17 year old girl, i don't want to feel so much
i need to get out of this, but i don't think i can anymore
not alone

i feel failure

no, i am not coping and yes, i am starting to worry.
what am i doing??
i don't know.
why am i doing all these??
i don't know either.
when are all these going to stop??
.i. .d.o.n.'.t. .k.n.o.w.
so much to do, so much at stake
i need a miracle to pull through,
god please give me one...

I Feel Contented :D

once again, DJ participated in the KDU C Q Teo Debate Challenge this year... :D
but this time is different, well the only difference isn't that we didn't win. but how the process went..
this time, there was no john, no keefe, just us... we were seriously all alone. other than andrew helping us by pointing out our flaws and ways to correct our mistakes, we practically set up our cases by ourselves mostly. of course, most of them sucked in the end. :P but, that's how we learn right?
despite DJ Team A ended their journey quarters while DJ B ended theirs in the semis ( we lost to DJ Team B in quarters btw), i felt that this was the sweetest victory we ever had. this is because we won knowledge, skills and friendship with our own effort. :)
this year's motions were much harder. and our clear lack in general knowledge was so obvious... :P well, at least now, i am finally proud to say that i know how inflation, fiscal policy, redistribution of wealth, Google.cn, israel-palestin conflict, NATO in Kabul and other things work. (yes, i didn't know all these before the competition. haha :P)
other than that, we definitely improved in terms of speaking and convincing. now, i finally learnt what adjudicators look out for in a debate and how do you sway a debate to your side. and guess what?? i think adjudicating can be AT TIMES more interesting than debating itself... :P
and without a single doubt, DJ debaters got even closer. and without deny, all the gossiping over the dinner table in sophie's house was fun... :P despite going against each other in the quarters, it brought us closer!!! and we met great people from other schools and the adjudicators were definitely really nice people and they ran the competition really well. they weren't at all hesitant to help us in every way they can. so, GOOD JOB GUYS!!! :D
i learnt so much!!!! :)
i learnt that anything and everything have a different side to it.
we shouldn't post judgement at all in any cases for we don't know what's best and what's not.
be humble because you are not the best and even if you are, what gives you the right to be arrogant?
be patient and diplomatic even if you opponent shouts "SIT DOWN MISS" at you because an eye for an eye makes the world go blind. if he's not courteous at you, should you be like him and be rude? don't scoop down to his level but be better than him because that's exactly what it takes to be a good debater, the ability to be patient and smart to outwit him. (i'm still working on that though :P)
there's a lot that we learnt this time. none of us regretted coming. but don't worry john, we will keep our promise! first attempt failed, but there's more to come! :D

Memoirs Of An Overworked Student

ok, i admit that my blog had been quite dead after being told my two different person:
1) jason
2) ericA ( my son... :P)
anyway, i have nothing much to update about actually. so, i guess i would just write about my life (which is kinda boring...) anyway, here it is.
it would not be right to say that life had been great. this is because those who see me in school would instantly know that it is a lie. those who work with me would know that it is a greater lie. and me myself would know that lying is a sin.
yes, i believe that i am overworked. but so is so many other people. for etc. my boss.... (yes, you know who you are and you know that you are overworked!!! like i have always told you "STAY CALM!!!")
i do look like a zombie in school but others are not much better. i find that some people actually looked worse than me... but, what to do??? lives of some Form 5 Djians can be quite hard... (yeah, i hear people agreeing with me, right jacq?? :P)
but, amidst of all these rush and work, i realise something... that A LOT OF people care for each other and honestly, thanks so much for it. it means lots!!! like seriously, people whom i never expected to ask me said "Are you ok, siew? you look so tired..."
well, yes i am. but i am hanging on. because i know that everything in the end will be worth it.
i believe that the school discipline will improve after so much hardwork done by the prefectorial board (GOOD JOB GUYS FOR THIS MORNING!!! :p)
i believe that DJ debaters will strive higher and finally manage to clinch a title this year.
i believe that Interact this year will be more successful and more projects to help others can be accomplished.
i believe that girl guides will revive and one day, there will be a Queen Guides from SMKDJ.
i believe that Hebat will win more trophies this year.
i believe that 5 Belian will be the FUNNEST, BEST AND MOST INTERESTING CLASS in Form 5!!! (omg... really?? *smacks myself* YES!!! )
yes, i believe. that's why i don't mind all the work and i keep hanging on. i believe. do you? to those who believe in me, please believe with me. and with this believe, we can make a change and make things better. honestly, when i look back, i see that me effort really did give me back something. you won't regret doing something meaningful. i won't.
so yea, i guess this is what i want to update. well, before that, there's something i would really like to share with you guys (Eric, i hope it's ok and you don't mind??? :P)




















so true right??? yea, i know. cause it's from Eric the *word-that-replaces-awesome-which-i don't-know-what* haha... :P (i hope this brighten your day... :D) but don't practice violence kayzzz??? as someone once told me but he also practice violence one.... :P
keep believing. i believe in you.

My Endless Gratitude

to all Gumpers of Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. at Curve,
THANK YOU!!!
although i didn't have any holidays last year end, even though i returned home dead tired every night, even if i did lost some money and a few strands of hair due to UNREASONABLE guests...
I LOVE MY WORK!!!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
I LOVE BUBBA GUMP!!!
:D
these are the great people that i will always remember in my heart!!!
Mr. Naresh
Mr. Ahmadi
Ronnie Joo!!! :D
DK!!! (once again, bukan DRIFT King)
ericA (my son/daughter at times :P!!! i'm not joking... this 20 something year old guy calls me mum...)
shasha the AWESOME!!!
and lots and lots and lots of other gumpers,
balan, yeakub, man, ahmed, zoya, harvin, gokul and the list simply goes on and on!!!
you guys made everything worth it. and for that, THANK YOU!!! :D i miss you guys so much already... but, we will see each other soon!
may God bless Bubba Gump forever! :)