from 20-23 nov 2009, i went to a camp in Sekolah Agama Menengah Rawang (SAMER) with my chee chee (wei chee), a bell (abel, his friends called him that ok, not me...) and sab(sabrina)!!!! :P
it was really fun in a way but in another way, not so fun as i quote miss loh wei chee "vomit blood wei". :P
well, i've met really great, sporting people who talked to me openly with no reservation. there were also really cute and nice girls from both my unit (pandu puteri) and my district (petaling utama)
our motto/roll call was "utama, you're so good! you're so good! you're the best! oh utama! oh oh utama! GO UTAMA!!!"
there were also really funny and hilarous guys from my district who never make us stop laughing.
overall, i think i really like it. i learned a lot of things through this camp. things that i can find no where else. thanks a million to the organisers and facilitators!!! :D thank you to the new friends i met.
however, i must apologize because i can't remember all your names!!! and also, maaf zahir dan batin jika tersinggung hati mana-mana sahabat...
may you all have great days ahead of you!!! :D meet you guys online and in some other camps! :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Let It Go
have you been through the times where somebody or a voice in your head tells you to "Let it go! stop brooding over it! it will past! let it rest!" ?
have you been through the times where you or another voice in you head will reply "OK! I WILL!" ?
have you been through the times where you simply failed to keep the promise you made to yourself?
have you been through the times where you just can't forget, you just can't let it go and you just can't seem to stop thinking about it?
you know that it will never come to you, you know that you will never get what you want and you know that you missed the opportunity to get your only desire. worst of all, you know that you chased it away.
you always tell yourself "later", "ok, i'll do it after this" or "it's not time yet".
but to only realise that the world moved on without you already. and there you sat, waiting for time to turn back... but, not for you my dear, not for you...
you cry and try and shout! but to no avail, you timid voice drown in the hustling and bustling of the city.
i regret now, i really do! at one point of time, i really thought that i've got what i wanted. but to only realise that it was never in my grip, never close to me, never mine at all. but someone else's or so, i thought.
i don't know! i'm so confused!
i want you! but i know i won't get you! what am i to do?
let it go or wait, hoping that God have sympathy on my patience
but, till when? would it be a fruitless wait? i would never know until i try it.
my dear, keep things simple, let it go... the broken heart will heal with time...
i hope
~out of nothingness~
have you been through the times where you or another voice in you head will reply "OK! I WILL!" ?
have you been through the times where you simply failed to keep the promise you made to yourself?
have you been through the times where you just can't forget, you just can't let it go and you just can't seem to stop thinking about it?
you know that it will never come to you, you know that you will never get what you want and you know that you missed the opportunity to get your only desire. worst of all, you know that you chased it away.
you always tell yourself "later", "ok, i'll do it after this" or "it's not time yet".
but to only realise that the world moved on without you already. and there you sat, waiting for time to turn back... but, not for you my dear, not for you...
you cry and try and shout! but to no avail, you timid voice drown in the hustling and bustling of the city.
i regret now, i really do! at one point of time, i really thought that i've got what i wanted. but to only realise that it was never in my grip, never close to me, never mine at all. but someone else's or so, i thought.
i don't know! i'm so confused!
i want you! but i know i won't get you! what am i to do?
let it go or wait, hoping that God have sympathy on my patience
but, till when? would it be a fruitless wait? i would never know until i try it.
my dear, keep things simple, let it go... the broken heart will heal with time...
i hope
~out of nothingness~
Sunday, November 15, 2009
FIRE
FIRE
I continued staring at the crackling fire for over a minute. The flames danced around the black charcoals. For a moment of two, I thought I saw the flames resembling a faun. With tiny legs and a pair of curved horns, he danced around merrily with a smile on his face. Then, I saw a fire fairy. Her wings gleamed in golden flame. Her skin was vibrant and yet tender at the same time. I was mesmerized. The wind howled even louder than before now, slamming the windows against the panes. I rushed towards the windows to latch it. The snow outside had fallen as least 2 feet thick. I rushed back to the fireplace to get some warmth, warmth of a killer. I feel tears building in my eyes. My thoughts drifted to him, his smile, his touch, his care and most importantly, his warmth. A type of warmth nothing else can replace. Not even the crackling fire before me. A warmth filled wit joy, security and love, his warmth.
The scene filled my head again. I turned my head and saw nobody in sight. Only the big oak tree which is now covered in snow stood before me. An empty swing rocked back and forth, hanging on its branch. I turned my head again. The vacant house stood before me. There were no lights and the doors were still latched. I turned my head all around but I didn’t see him at all. Only the newly built snowman kept me accompanied. “Where are you?” I whispered to myself. “Where are you?” I yelled out loud. There were only echoes but no reply. Fear started creeping in. “Come out! I don’t want to play anymore!” I screamed again. Only a breeze came in reply. It sent a chill up my spine. The thick jacket and gloves seemed to have vanished. I felt so cold of all of a sudden. No warmth at all, only coldness and fear in the gust of wind that came.
“Got you!” he yelled. Something knocked me down and we rolled onto the snow-covered ground. His blue eyes met my green ones. Just the sparkle of his eyes filled my heart with warmth. His smile gave me joy. His touch gave me security. His presence filled my soul with fire. I could smell his favourite cologne. It’s lavender. It is a bit girlish but he knows that I love lavender. That’s why it became his favourite too. His blonder hair stuck out of the cap boyishly. He was so handsome. His angular features looked a lot like mine. Probably, I didn’t inherit everything from my mother. Maybe, I only inherited her green eyes and dark lustrous hair but his features. “I hate you, Daddy!” I yelled and pushed him away. “You scared me to death!” I continued. “Come on, we were supposed to play hide and seek, weren’t we? I was just hiding,” he soothed. “But hiders don’t scare the seekers!” I retorted. “Alright, alright darling, come on, let’s go have lunch,” he said.
He got up and helped me up. His big hand wiped the snow off my body in one sweep. My 10 year old body was so small and fragile. He scooped me up and planted a kiss me on my check. “I love you, darling. Sorry for scaring you. Can you please forgive me?” he said. “Don’t ever leave me alone like that again!” I said childishly in my high-pitched voice. “Alright, I promise,” he replied and kissed me on the forehead this time. Warmth spread from the tips of hair to the tips of my toes. He smiled and hugged me closer to his body. Fire filled my soul. He strapped me firmly with the seatbelt before entering the car from the driver side. I switched on the radio and found the track that he loved the most. The music of the Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody” filled the car. At that moment, I wished so badly that mum was by my side. She loved that song. That is why it became his favourite too. But, she was not there to listen to it. She can’t anymore. For cancer decided to snatch her away from us, only a year ago.
Daddy got into the car and turned on the engine. I was looking at the snowman which we built just this morning. He took a deep breath and turned to me. “Smile for me,” he said. I knew he was thinking of mum and missed her so sorely. I gave him the prettiest smile I had. The smiles that mum always gave us. “That’s my girl,” he smiled too. He looked even more handsome than before. No wonder mum fell for him even at the age of 16. We drove off to Ellie’s Kitchen. We go there almost every day after mum left. Mum used to do all the cooking at home. Right after the parked the car, he rushed out to fulfill his routine. He undoes the seatbelt and scoops me up into his arms. He will then tuck me in comfortably near to his broad chest. After seating me down, the waitress came automatically. “As usual?” she asked. Daddy nodded. “Daddy, daddy, I want lollipop!” I yelled, pointing at a boy near my age outside in the car park. He came out the petrol station holding a big red lollipop. “But, you are going to have lunch,” he protested. “Please! I promise that I will finish all my peas!” I promised eagerly. He didn’t seem convinced. “I promise that I will smile for the rest of the day!” I promised again. He gave me on his sweetest smile and hurried off.
I was beaming and dancing on my seat. The waitress laughed at my silly act. The soda came first. I took a sip and tasted the soda in my mouth. I let it linger for a while. I closed my eyes and took another sip. It felt so good. Suddenly, someone opened the door of the restaurant. I felt so cold instantly. I felt a breeze of wind washing over me like a wave of ocean water. There was something in this breeze. I felt grief, sadness, emptiness and loneliness. I opened my eyes. The seat in front of me was still empty. I looked through the glass window and scanned the car park. Daddy came out of the petrol station waving a big purple lollipop at me. Purple is my favourite colour. He knew me so well. I stood up on the seat and wave frantically at him. I gave him my biggest and prettiest smile. But, that was the last smile I gave him. A few feet away from Daddy stood a middle-aged man. He was pumping gas. He did something I could never forgive him for, even though he is dead.
He picked up his cell phone. In a spilt second, Daddy vanished in a wave of fire. His smile faded as the flames engulfed him. I stood there in disbelief. I could have died myself if not for the kind waitress. She pulled me away from the window as all the glasses shattered into millions of tiny pieces at the impact of the explosion. In the arms of the waitress, I felt another breeze. Again, I felt something in the breeze. But, this time, it was different. I felt death. I went into coma for almost 1 month after the incident. Sometimes, I wished that I never woke up. Then, I would never have to face the world alone. I was sent to an orphanage. There, I heard many other worst stories, stories where parents tortured and abused their children, until the government stepped in to solve the matter. I thank God that memories of my parents were only beautiful ones.
“Got you!” he yelled. Something knocked me down and we rolled onto the floor. I snapped back into my 20 years old self. His chocolate brown eyes met my green ones. Sometimes, I really wished that I never woke up, but not at this moment. At this moment, I cannot imagine how happy I am to be alive, how glad I am to live my life with him and how grateful I am for the warmth he gave me. “Are you thinking about your dad again?” he asked. I gave no reply. I simply closed my eyes and took a deep breath. His cologne was stronger as he came closer. It was lavender. He knew me better. I opened my eyes and stroked his brown hair. I closed my eyes again and took another deep breath. I opened my eyes and took another deep breath again. It smelt so wonderful. He hugged me closer to his chest. It was so warm. But, this warmth was different. It was filled with happiness, undying care and a link of the souls. He rested his head on mine and there we lay in front of the roaring fire.
_____________________________________________________________
I wrote this while I was in class during the Chinese paper on a Tuesday about 5 weeks ago. I was practicing for English essay the next day. When I saw last year's paper prepared by Pn. Mag, I have no idea what to write at all. I ended up writing this open-essay entitle 'Fire'. After finishing only I realised that I kinda like open-essays. Today, (on a Sunday) I am suppose to research for debate and do my accounts homework... gee, am I becoming a workaholic?? Exams just ended!! Actually, no... Exams ended for almost 2 weeks already. It’s time to start working ng siew sanz! But, all of a sudden, I decided to post this up since I haven't been blogging for god-knows-how-long. I guess I am getting mentally unbalanced... so yeah, here it is.
I continued staring at the crackling fire for over a minute. The flames danced around the black charcoals. For a moment of two, I thought I saw the flames resembling a faun. With tiny legs and a pair of curved horns, he danced around merrily with a smile on his face. Then, I saw a fire fairy. Her wings gleamed in golden flame. Her skin was vibrant and yet tender at the same time. I was mesmerized. The wind howled even louder than before now, slamming the windows against the panes. I rushed towards the windows to latch it. The snow outside had fallen as least 2 feet thick. I rushed back to the fireplace to get some warmth, warmth of a killer. I feel tears building in my eyes. My thoughts drifted to him, his smile, his touch, his care and most importantly, his warmth. A type of warmth nothing else can replace. Not even the crackling fire before me. A warmth filled wit joy, security and love, his warmth.
The scene filled my head again. I turned my head and saw nobody in sight. Only the big oak tree which is now covered in snow stood before me. An empty swing rocked back and forth, hanging on its branch. I turned my head again. The vacant house stood before me. There were no lights and the doors were still latched. I turned my head all around but I didn’t see him at all. Only the newly built snowman kept me accompanied. “Where are you?” I whispered to myself. “Where are you?” I yelled out loud. There were only echoes but no reply. Fear started creeping in. “Come out! I don’t want to play anymore!” I screamed again. Only a breeze came in reply. It sent a chill up my spine. The thick jacket and gloves seemed to have vanished. I felt so cold of all of a sudden. No warmth at all, only coldness and fear in the gust of wind that came.
“Got you!” he yelled. Something knocked me down and we rolled onto the snow-covered ground. His blue eyes met my green ones. Just the sparkle of his eyes filled my heart with warmth. His smile gave me joy. His touch gave me security. His presence filled my soul with fire. I could smell his favourite cologne. It’s lavender. It is a bit girlish but he knows that I love lavender. That’s why it became his favourite too. His blonder hair stuck out of the cap boyishly. He was so handsome. His angular features looked a lot like mine. Probably, I didn’t inherit everything from my mother. Maybe, I only inherited her green eyes and dark lustrous hair but his features. “I hate you, Daddy!” I yelled and pushed him away. “You scared me to death!” I continued. “Come on, we were supposed to play hide and seek, weren’t we? I was just hiding,” he soothed. “But hiders don’t scare the seekers!” I retorted. “Alright, alright darling, come on, let’s go have lunch,” he said.
He got up and helped me up. His big hand wiped the snow off my body in one sweep. My 10 year old body was so small and fragile. He scooped me up and planted a kiss me on my check. “I love you, darling. Sorry for scaring you. Can you please forgive me?” he said. “Don’t ever leave me alone like that again!” I said childishly in my high-pitched voice. “Alright, I promise,” he replied and kissed me on the forehead this time. Warmth spread from the tips of hair to the tips of my toes. He smiled and hugged me closer to his body. Fire filled my soul. He strapped me firmly with the seatbelt before entering the car from the driver side. I switched on the radio and found the track that he loved the most. The music of the Righteous Brothers’ “Unchained Melody” filled the car. At that moment, I wished so badly that mum was by my side. She loved that song. That is why it became his favourite too. But, she was not there to listen to it. She can’t anymore. For cancer decided to snatch her away from us, only a year ago.
Daddy got into the car and turned on the engine. I was looking at the snowman which we built just this morning. He took a deep breath and turned to me. “Smile for me,” he said. I knew he was thinking of mum and missed her so sorely. I gave him the prettiest smile I had. The smiles that mum always gave us. “That’s my girl,” he smiled too. He looked even more handsome than before. No wonder mum fell for him even at the age of 16. We drove off to Ellie’s Kitchen. We go there almost every day after mum left. Mum used to do all the cooking at home. Right after the parked the car, he rushed out to fulfill his routine. He undoes the seatbelt and scoops me up into his arms. He will then tuck me in comfortably near to his broad chest. After seating me down, the waitress came automatically. “As usual?” she asked. Daddy nodded. “Daddy, daddy, I want lollipop!” I yelled, pointing at a boy near my age outside in the car park. He came out the petrol station holding a big red lollipop. “But, you are going to have lunch,” he protested. “Please! I promise that I will finish all my peas!” I promised eagerly. He didn’t seem convinced. “I promise that I will smile for the rest of the day!” I promised again. He gave me on his sweetest smile and hurried off.
I was beaming and dancing on my seat. The waitress laughed at my silly act. The soda came first. I took a sip and tasted the soda in my mouth. I let it linger for a while. I closed my eyes and took another sip. It felt so good. Suddenly, someone opened the door of the restaurant. I felt so cold instantly. I felt a breeze of wind washing over me like a wave of ocean water. There was something in this breeze. I felt grief, sadness, emptiness and loneliness. I opened my eyes. The seat in front of me was still empty. I looked through the glass window and scanned the car park. Daddy came out of the petrol station waving a big purple lollipop at me. Purple is my favourite colour. He knew me so well. I stood up on the seat and wave frantically at him. I gave him my biggest and prettiest smile. But, that was the last smile I gave him. A few feet away from Daddy stood a middle-aged man. He was pumping gas. He did something I could never forgive him for, even though he is dead.
He picked up his cell phone. In a spilt second, Daddy vanished in a wave of fire. His smile faded as the flames engulfed him. I stood there in disbelief. I could have died myself if not for the kind waitress. She pulled me away from the window as all the glasses shattered into millions of tiny pieces at the impact of the explosion. In the arms of the waitress, I felt another breeze. Again, I felt something in the breeze. But, this time, it was different. I felt death. I went into coma for almost 1 month after the incident. Sometimes, I wished that I never woke up. Then, I would never have to face the world alone. I was sent to an orphanage. There, I heard many other worst stories, stories where parents tortured and abused their children, until the government stepped in to solve the matter. I thank God that memories of my parents were only beautiful ones.
“Got you!” he yelled. Something knocked me down and we rolled onto the floor. I snapped back into my 20 years old self. His chocolate brown eyes met my green ones. Sometimes, I really wished that I never woke up, but not at this moment. At this moment, I cannot imagine how happy I am to be alive, how glad I am to live my life with him and how grateful I am for the warmth he gave me. “Are you thinking about your dad again?” he asked. I gave no reply. I simply closed my eyes and took a deep breath. His cologne was stronger as he came closer. It was lavender. He knew me better. I opened my eyes and stroked his brown hair. I closed my eyes again and took another deep breath. I opened my eyes and took another deep breath again. It smelt so wonderful. He hugged me closer to his chest. It was so warm. But, this warmth was different. It was filled with happiness, undying care and a link of the souls. He rested his head on mine and there we lay in front of the roaring fire.
_____________________________________________________________
I wrote this while I was in class during the Chinese paper on a Tuesday about 5 weeks ago. I was practicing for English essay the next day. When I saw last year's paper prepared by Pn. Mag, I have no idea what to write at all. I ended up writing this open-essay entitle 'Fire'. After finishing only I realised that I kinda like open-essays. Today, (on a Sunday) I am suppose to research for debate and do my accounts homework... gee, am I becoming a workaholic?? Exams just ended!! Actually, no... Exams ended for almost 2 weeks already. It’s time to start working ng siew sanz! But, all of a sudden, I decided to post this up since I haven't been blogging for god-knows-how-long. I guess I am getting mentally unbalanced... so yeah, here it is.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
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