A special, beautiful girl asked me today, "What's the best thing that happened to you since you came to Uplands?"

I thought for a moment and realised.

Before this, it was the freedom. But now, it has changed. :)

Thank you for the change.

Do Come True :)

thank you for making her dreams come true. she will make sure that every bit of this reality is appreciated, that she will make the most out of it & that she will never let it go, ever. :)

thank you.

Dreams...

a girl can dream, but will her dreams come true?

if only she knows how to keep on dreaming or even better still, realise her dreams!

she fears the uncertainty that her dreams may end... and she falls back onto the harsh concrete reality...

but meanwhile, she is enjoying the clouds that she's lying on, loving it to bits.

if only she could go higher, but she is contented and grateful enough with the love she has now!

please keep her on the clouds :)

Foncused...?

I'm not kidding, I'm really foncused.

Wait, no, I meant foncused. Yes, foncused, really foncused!

Or was it, confused....? I really don't know.

I have not been blogging for so long. And, it is pretty sad that my first post in 2012 is entitled "Foncused".

But, it isn't something I can deny. When you come to a point in life when you start asking yourself "What am I doing?", this is the part you get confused/lost/uncertain.

These emotions are seeping into me right now. I have tried telling myself to focus on work. But somehow, I just slip away from them. (Note: Facebook is not a very good companion for this very reason)

I end up doing everything but my work, which I do have a lot, much left undone till this very moment. This also means that I shouldn't be blogging. But, I really do need to shout it out somewhere.

I remember sometime ago how I felt numbed by too many events/loses/heartaches. But, I still managed to focus on my work.

Not this time though, everything seems so detached but real. I know what's at stake but I can't seem push myself to a level that I had once done before. I tried to remind myself of what I could have accomplished before but they are seem useless now. Perhaps it's like drugs, you get immune to them.

I think I know the reason. It's because I'm getting confused on what I want, what's most important to me. I have a vague idea but the idea is getting so blurry now.

I need shock, I need impact, I need reality.

I need something to look forward for, something that can once push me like before, to make me realise that I can no longer slack, to drive me to achieve what I want, or what I think I want.

I need sleep. I always seem so tired. Is that a reason why I feel confused, lost and uncertain? I really don't know.

It's a turmoil in me that I shouldn't be experiencing. I have a very blessed life. But, that doesn't take away all these feelings. I have always told others that you can control your emotions, at least on the surface. I'm trying hard now.

I need something, or someone...

I know that you understand me, perhaps the most among all, but will you understand all the gibberish while I myself can't? I really don't know either...

Or have I mistaken about you too?

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我不知道。

The Countdown Begins

it's really funny how the human brain works. you long for something so dearly and when it's here, it just doesn't seem to be as important anymore... is it because that "something" is now in your grasp, making it less significant? or is it because you will be losing something else for that "something"?

i'm leaving for Penang in 9 days. after waiting for so many months, i thought that i would be so excited to go! but looking at my half empty closet(though there are still LOADS of clothes! never really realised that i had SO MANY clothes...) and zipping up my overflowing luggage bag didn't seem to be as exciting as i thought that it would be. the pouring rain in the afternoon and listening to lady gaga didn't help either! i always tell everyone around me that i am JUST in Penang! a car trip takes less than 5 hours! but deep down, i know that i am indeed leaving. no matter where i'm going, i'm just not here...

moreover, it's even funnier how people that you have known for a short period of time seem to have such a great effect on your life. looking at a brighter side of things, this post is dedicated to all those who have impacted my life :) (not in the order of popularity but chronologically, according to the farewells that i already had or will soon to have :D )

1) HELP debaters

a special tribute to kailaish and kar jin, my IMU teammates who brought me to the semis! :)

as i quote kj, "its odd that i've only known all of you for a few months yet it feels much longer than that. and yet at the same time, time seems to pass so quickly. ARGH i suppose friendship is not proportional to time" (please pardon the dramatic ARGH :P) i can't agree more with his words. both IMU & KLOC had been great debating experiences! without them, i won't have made 2 incredible good friends. i'm missing the both of you so much already!!!

don't worry han rong! i'm not leaving you out! :P MDO was an equally fantastic experience. (though it would have been A LOT better with you staying awake more often :P) i shall miss your "small-boy" look! :D

to the rest of you guys, zean shiung, shaun, prashanth, dinesh & kenneth (extremely adorable seniors who brought tears to my eyes and stitches to my stomachs), adelyn & victoria (i love the bickering with abhi!) eunice & giselle (i love the picking on kailaish even more!) and definitely, jasmesh & ayzvara!!! you guys gave me awesome memories that i will never forget!

2) JACQ JACQ & CHEE CHEE! :D (my beautiful daughters)

i love the catching up session we had on sunday! i felt so comfortable pouring my heart out, telling you guys everything. mind you, no one else knows! :P AND WE DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE!!! we need more catching up sessions like that!

moreover, i'm really grateful that we decided to work together at BG. i would never forget those great times when we had so much running, yelling FLAT TYRE! :D + free refill of ice lemon tea and all the free drinks from the bar! :P

3)Primary school mates!

vanessa, suet ying, shook wai, soo hui, audrey, khai zhin & kero :) will never forget that fact that our year only had 8 chinese girls!!! thank you for making primary school year memorable for me. all the pictures that we had together are in my photo album! i only have this one below online... :/

but i shall cherish my photo album dearly, reminiscing the times we had together while we were still so young.... :)

4)(i-don't-know-what-to-call-them????)

there's a von chong, thingo, khor huan, (MORE IMPORTANTLY) a ROGER FEDERER & a RAFAEL NADAL! (it's just sher lin and audrey actually). they aren't exactly termed my secondary school mates because i just met them in form4. but nonetheless, one thing i can be sure of is that, i won't forget them. despite skipping 75% of classes, these gals never deserted me. they stuck with me for 2 whole years, in and out, and i'm so eternally grateful for such wonderful friends that they have been. i will not forget the evil gossiping sessions in chemistry class(notebook!), endless laughing sessions in class and doing homework when we are not supposed to(oh no, that's sher lin only! :P)

5)DJD

my dear coaches, andrew, john & keefe, thank you for all the coaching!!! :D (and definitely, gossiping sessions!) my darling teammates, sophie, el, lean, abhi & marc. WIRA, C Q Teo, KDUDA, IIU & HELP will never ever disappear from my memory. the memories we shared together define who i am :) juniors! dan, tim, shu wen, ken, alynna :D you all make us so proud to debate alongside with you all! little juniors! claudia, manda, alycia, hazel, carmen, andrew, jeremy, jason, shin lin, zhi wei, syafinas, tze kwang :D you guys gave me such sweet memories in HELP, IIU, Kids BP that i will always keep dearly in my heart!

i shall keep the nostalgic moments for this weekend! :P

there are so many more people that i wish to talk about this post! but then, the list will be endless... nevertheless, endless thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL that shaped ng siew sanz. you hold a place in her heart :) forever.

It's Me

out of the blue, i started going through all the blog posts that i have here, in my blog. and i just realised how i have changed in so many ways, but one.

in year 2008, 90% of my blog posts were about the twilight saga. seriously, i cannot believe how in love i was with the book. most people at my age right now would criticise it, telling me how naive i was to like, or even love such exaggerated (and possibly boring) love stories. despite how unbelievable i am in respect to how in love i was with the books, i think i am still in love with them. maybe not as much, but i still remember vividly the lines from the book and probably, certain scenes from the movie or even images in my head that i have depicted myself. (LOL :P)

then in 2009, when i blogged the most, it was all about debate and badminton, how obsessed i was with the malaysian team winning and how involved i was in the debating scene. a few occasional post about the girl guides public speaking competition and bubba gump also came into the picture. but the bulk, undoubtedly, belonged to debate and badminton :D i was really into the both of them.

2010 came with more emotional posts. talking about the IJN visit, my memoirs and mostly, how i felt back then. blogging in 2011 is such as failure with only 2 posts from Jan-August. the way i have blogged changed so drastically. from the shortforms of "wut" to the proper "what', from exeggerated "haizzzzz" to less dramatic phrases (ok, may i still do that once in a while) and from being a self-centered little girl to a slightly less self-absorbed person(i hope i am!).

i really have changed a lot. from a girl who probably knew nothing, i changed into an authoritative and to a certain extend, a dogmatic person. or maybe i have been like this all along, just that i have not been showcasing this part of me. i think i was nice when i was young(i think) when i was not so demanding. now, i think i am quite mean, evil at times, hurting people and breaking hearts.

despite all this, one of thing have yet to change. me, being obsessive. when i am into something, believe me, i am really into it. it stays in my head and pops up every now and then with the slightest thing that can remind me of it. worst of all, my imagination can spiral out of control thinking about it. from twilight to badminton to debate and then to everything else, i have been so obsessive.

obsession is really unhealthy, mark my words form a first-hand experience. it drains you out, saps your energy as you find for every little avenue to get more information about something/someone or try to feel closer to that thing/person. it distracts you. proving this statement, i am supposed to be reading my IB textbooks or current events. but instead, i am blogging about this obsession of mine. because it's there in my head.

so, thank you if you have taken time to read this post. i hope it served as an relaxing element or not you most probably have wasted your precious time. but if you feel that you have more time to waste(not that i encourage it) do tell me a bit more about me. :)

if you had known me long enough, do you think that i have changed? am i a better person or worse-off? do you think obsession is good? on top of that, please give me some suggestions.

after writing this, i promised myself, to stop being so obsessed. on the other hand, i think it defines who i am. but of course, drugs define a drug addict. so should he/she continue with drugs when it is so damned clear that it is killing him/her? this is my resolution before i begin my term, stop being so obsessive! i would need to focus for my IB in penang. is obsession worth my scholarship which is most probably my future? i'm not convinced right now. unless my current obsession makes me feel happy for the rest of my life, which is clearly not the case right now, no, i shouldn't depend on it. well, this current obsession of mine isn't responding very positively, which adds on the the reason why i should stop it! however, as it is always the case, everything is easier said than done.

but till i get rid of it(in which i promise that i will try), obsession is me.

p.s. purple have always been my favourite colour and it still is. :) obsession...

Women = Scapegoats

Got a Problem? Blame the Women...Gosh.... Tell me this is not male chauvinism...

It is only human nature to find scapegoats for every problem that pops up, be it someone involved or someone not involved. Need an example? Talking about the French Revolution, poor King Louis XVI was used as a scapegoat by the common people. The fact us, the French aristocracy was really corrupted, and pitiful Louis wasn’t strong enough against them. So, there he goes as a scapegoat, the reason of revolution and the reason of the downfall of the government. Further into the future, Jews were the scapegoats used by Hitler for various issues from diseases to political unrest. They weren’t so directly involved I think.

But, the problem I have right now at this moment (10.57pm, 7^th of June 2011) is not that humans find scapegoats for every problem (well, at least it is not the biggest problem for me now). Instead, it is WOMEN used as scapegoats. From the dawn of time till now (10.59am, 7^th June 2011), women are still used as pathetic excuses for the fault of anything under the sun.

Back then when science wasn’t flourishing, if you don’t get a smart/handsome/athletic baby BOY, BLAME THE WOMEN (note, this happened EVERYWHERE in the world). Ok, let’s move to the Middle East. When a female gets raped, blame the girl for not protecting herself! If a brother commits a crime in the family, send the sister to take the punishment! How about the Europe? If a baby dies during birth (most probably due to the lack of poor health/hygiene standards), burn the midwife as a witch! What happens if the husbands die shortly after marriage (due to diseases that have yet to have a cure during the medieval times)? Blame the women for bringing bad luck to the family! Now, let’s get back to the East, China. Why did King Fuchai lose his kingdom? It is because Xishi (one of the Four Chinese Beauties of ancient China) become his concubine! Why did Wu Sangui open the doors of the Great Wall at Shanhai Pass for the Manchu soldiers? It was because Chen Yuanyuan(Wu’s concubine) got caught by someone else. See the trend...? If there’s a screw-up, blame the nearest female you can...

It’s the 21^st century and yet human’s barbaric nature has yet to change. So much for gender equality and women’s rights... Quoted from guardian.co.uk, ‘A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.’ Then, could the butterfly effect be the reason of the recent Japan earthquake & tsunami???? If Egypt and a host of Middle East countries are in turmoil, blame the first ladies! Be the reason ranging from corrupting the economy (yes, Suzanna Mubarak MAYBE involved in corruptions but it is still under investigations. Nonetheless, she didn’t make the policies...) to not stopping the killing of protesters (First Lady of Syria, Asma al Assad is in that position).

Getting back closer to home, the Obedient Wives Club (in my opinion) is a slap straight on the face, telling women that if you aren’t good enough in bed, you are the reason for your husband’s disloyalty. This is clearly a too simple minded way of thinking that there is only one reason for adultery. Moreover, it is a clear discrimination against women, the ones good in sex and the ones not. Hello.... this is a marriage we are talking about, not one night stand. If your boyfriend leaves you because he wants better sex, you can call him a jerk. If your husband cheats on you, you can SUE him. The law blatantly tells us that ADULTERY IS WRONG and guess who is going to get convicted? The HUSBAND and not the wife... There are many reasons for a failed marriage and saying that the women are not good enough in sex is simply unacceptable. Then can we cheat on our husbands if they cannot satisfy us in bed? Try that and someone will stress on this fact even more, women is the reason to failed marriages. So that’s number one, saying that women not being good enough in sex is the reason of failed marriages is BASELESS.

Number 2, are you saying that sex is the only thing to keep your husband at home? What more when we are told to (as quoted) “welcome them (the husbands) with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes”??? I honestly pity the children in the home in such scenarios. It is most likely a go-to-your-room-and-don’t-come-out-no-matter-what-you-hear night. The little children must be scared to death hearing the parents having panic attacks throughout the night. And yet, we wonder how our children get into pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancy and incest...

Lastly but definitely not the least, I am truly shocked to find such ideas (I’m not sure if these ideas came from females/males) against women. Those who eagerly fight for equality are now just as quickly saddened by those who wish to put women at the end of the equation, not on the other side. Perhaps it is a different view; maybe it is a different perspective, but it is definitely one that I do not want my friends and family members to believe in. For in my opinion, it is only an idea that will bring us back to once when baby girls are buried once they are born (though some are still thrown into the river in China/go unregistered and thus have no education or even the right to existence!), young girls are married off for a cow/goat and ladies stoned to death for being raped. This is not a future I want for females all around the world. So, what exactly can you do to stop this horrendous future from taking place? Please do appreciate every human (regardless man or woman) around you. If you can, go hug your mother/sister/girlfriend! :D After millennia of discrimination, female deserve something better.

*Note: this is not a hate article against testosterone driven males. Neither is it an article intended to demean anybody/organisation/belief. It is only for me to express MY OPINION. I apologise if any discomfort/anger is instigated (it is definitely not on purpose) and if any facts above are deemed questionable.