feeling disappointed and helpless...

HATRED

i didn't want to post this but i think i really must now.

i envy those who love what they do.

i don't think i like studying.

but i don't like the non-studying activities now too.

i particularly really dislike communication.

or the lack of it or miscommunication

i guess that's why i'm destined to be in telecommunications

i wonder if it solves any of my communication problems.

i wish to find a hole & bury myself in it.

away from communication, the lack of it or the wrong type

i wish i can stop thinking about everything about me.

sinking heart...?

my heart hadn't sunk in ages. i felt it sinking just a moment ago...

A special, beautiful girl asked me today, "What's the best thing that happened to you since you came to Uplands?"

I thought for a moment and realised.

Before this, it was the freedom. But now, it has changed. :)

Thank you for the change.

Do Come True :)

thank you for making her dreams come true. she will make sure that every bit of this reality is appreciated, that she will make the most out of it & that she will never let it go, ever. :)

thank you.

Dreams...

a girl can dream, but will her dreams come true?

if only she knows how to keep on dreaming or even better still, realise her dreams!

she fears the uncertainty that her dreams may end... and she falls back onto the harsh concrete reality...

but meanwhile, she is enjoying the clouds that she's lying on, loving it to bits.

if only she could go higher, but she is contented and grateful enough with the love she has now!

please keep her on the clouds :)

Foncused...?

I'm not kidding, I'm really foncused.

Wait, no, I meant foncused. Yes, foncused, really foncused!

Or was it, confused....? I really don't know.

I have not been blogging for so long. And, it is pretty sad that my first post in 2012 is entitled "Foncused".

But, it isn't something I can deny. When you come to a point in life when you start asking yourself "What am I doing?", this is the part you get confused/lost/uncertain.

These emotions are seeping into me right now. I have tried telling myself to focus on work. But somehow, I just slip away from them. (Note: Facebook is not a very good companion for this very reason)

I end up doing everything but my work, which I do have a lot, much left undone till this very moment. This also means that I shouldn't be blogging. But, I really do need to shout it out somewhere.

I remember sometime ago how I felt numbed by too many events/loses/heartaches. But, I still managed to focus on my work.

Not this time though, everything seems so detached but real. I know what's at stake but I can't seem push myself to a level that I had once done before. I tried to remind myself of what I could have accomplished before but they are seem useless now. Perhaps it's like drugs, you get immune to them.

I think I know the reason. It's because I'm getting confused on what I want, what's most important to me. I have a vague idea but the idea is getting so blurry now.

I need shock, I need impact, I need reality.

I need something to look forward for, something that can once push me like before, to make me realise that I can no longer slack, to drive me to achieve what I want, or what I think I want.

I need sleep. I always seem so tired. Is that a reason why I feel confused, lost and uncertain? I really don't know.

It's a turmoil in me that I shouldn't be experiencing. I have a very blessed life. But, that doesn't take away all these feelings. I have always told others that you can control your emotions, at least on the surface. I'm trying hard now.

I need something, or someone...

I know that you understand me, perhaps the most among all, but will you understand all the gibberish while I myself can't? I really don't know either...

Or have I mistaken about you too?

Type text or a website address or translate a document.

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我不知道。

The Countdown Begins

it's really funny how the human brain works. you long for something so dearly and when it's here, it just doesn't seem to be as important anymore... is it because that "something" is now in your grasp, making it less significant? or is it because you will be losing something else for that "something"?

i'm leaving for Penang in 9 days. after waiting for so many months, i thought that i would be so excited to go! but looking at my half empty closet(though there are still LOADS of clothes! never really realised that i had SO MANY clothes...) and zipping up my overflowing luggage bag didn't seem to be as exciting as i thought that it would be. the pouring rain in the afternoon and listening to lady gaga didn't help either! i always tell everyone around me that i am JUST in Penang! a car trip takes less than 5 hours! but deep down, i know that i am indeed leaving. no matter where i'm going, i'm just not here...

moreover, it's even funnier how people that you have known for a short period of time seem to have such a great effect on your life. looking at a brighter side of things, this post is dedicated to all those who have impacted my life :) (not in the order of popularity but chronologically, according to the farewells that i already had or will soon to have :D )

1) HELP debaters

a special tribute to kailaish and kar jin, my IMU teammates who brought me to the semis! :)

as i quote kj, "its odd that i've only known all of you for a few months yet it feels much longer than that. and yet at the same time, time seems to pass so quickly. ARGH i suppose friendship is not proportional to time" (please pardon the dramatic ARGH :P) i can't agree more with his words. both IMU & KLOC had been great debating experiences! without them, i won't have made 2 incredible good friends. i'm missing the both of you so much already!!!

don't worry han rong! i'm not leaving you out! :P MDO was an equally fantastic experience. (though it would have been A LOT better with you staying awake more often :P) i shall miss your "small-boy" look! :D

to the rest of you guys, zean shiung, shaun, prashanth, dinesh & kenneth (extremely adorable seniors who brought tears to my eyes and stitches to my stomachs), adelyn & victoria (i love the bickering with abhi!) eunice & giselle (i love the picking on kailaish even more!) and definitely, jasmesh & ayzvara!!! you guys gave me awesome memories that i will never forget!

2) JACQ JACQ & CHEE CHEE! :D (my beautiful daughters)

i love the catching up session we had on sunday! i felt so comfortable pouring my heart out, telling you guys everything. mind you, no one else knows! :P AND WE DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE!!! we need more catching up sessions like that!

moreover, i'm really grateful that we decided to work together at BG. i would never forget those great times when we had so much running, yelling FLAT TYRE! :D + free refill of ice lemon tea and all the free drinks from the bar! :P

3)Primary school mates!

vanessa, suet ying, shook wai, soo hui, audrey, khai zhin & kero :) will never forget that fact that our year only had 8 chinese girls!!! thank you for making primary school year memorable for me. all the pictures that we had together are in my photo album! i only have this one below online... :/

but i shall cherish my photo album dearly, reminiscing the times we had together while we were still so young.... :)

4)(i-don't-know-what-to-call-them????)

there's a von chong, thingo, khor huan, (MORE IMPORTANTLY) a ROGER FEDERER & a RAFAEL NADAL! (it's just sher lin and audrey actually). they aren't exactly termed my secondary school mates because i just met them in form4. but nonetheless, one thing i can be sure of is that, i won't forget them. despite skipping 75% of classes, these gals never deserted me. they stuck with me for 2 whole years, in and out, and i'm so eternally grateful for such wonderful friends that they have been. i will not forget the evil gossiping sessions in chemistry class(notebook!), endless laughing sessions in class and doing homework when we are not supposed to(oh no, that's sher lin only! :P)

5)DJD

my dear coaches, andrew, john & keefe, thank you for all the coaching!!! :D (and definitely, gossiping sessions!) my darling teammates, sophie, el, lean, abhi & marc. WIRA, C Q Teo, KDUDA, IIU & HELP will never ever disappear from my memory. the memories we shared together define who i am :) juniors! dan, tim, shu wen, ken, alynna :D you all make us so proud to debate alongside with you all! little juniors! claudia, manda, alycia, hazel, carmen, andrew, jeremy, jason, shin lin, zhi wei, syafinas, tze kwang :D you guys gave me such sweet memories in HELP, IIU, Kids BP that i will always keep dearly in my heart!

i shall keep the nostalgic moments for this weekend! :P

there are so many more people that i wish to talk about this post! but then, the list will be endless... nevertheless, endless thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL that shaped ng siew sanz. you hold a place in her heart :) forever.

It's Me

out of the blue, i started going through all the blog posts that i have here, in my blog. and i just realised how i have changed in so many ways, but one.

in year 2008, 90% of my blog posts were about the twilight saga. seriously, i cannot believe how in love i was with the book. most people at my age right now would criticise it, telling me how naive i was to like, or even love such exaggerated (and possibly boring) love stories. despite how unbelievable i am in respect to how in love i was with the books, i think i am still in love with them. maybe not as much, but i still remember vividly the lines from the book and probably, certain scenes from the movie or even images in my head that i have depicted myself. (LOL :P)

then in 2009, when i blogged the most, it was all about debate and badminton, how obsessed i was with the malaysian team winning and how involved i was in the debating scene. a few occasional post about the girl guides public speaking competition and bubba gump also came into the picture. but the bulk, undoubtedly, belonged to debate and badminton :D i was really into the both of them.

2010 came with more emotional posts. talking about the IJN visit, my memoirs and mostly, how i felt back then. blogging in 2011 is such as failure with only 2 posts from Jan-August. the way i have blogged changed so drastically. from the shortforms of "wut" to the proper "what', from exeggerated "haizzzzz" to less dramatic phrases (ok, may i still do that once in a while) and from being a self-centered little girl to a slightly less self-absorbed person(i hope i am!).

i really have changed a lot. from a girl who probably knew nothing, i changed into an authoritative and to a certain extend, a dogmatic person. or maybe i have been like this all along, just that i have not been showcasing this part of me. i think i was nice when i was young(i think) when i was not so demanding. now, i think i am quite mean, evil at times, hurting people and breaking hearts.

despite all this, one of thing have yet to change. me, being obsessive. when i am into something, believe me, i am really into it. it stays in my head and pops up every now and then with the slightest thing that can remind me of it. worst of all, my imagination can spiral out of control thinking about it. from twilight to badminton to debate and then to everything else, i have been so obsessive.

obsession is really unhealthy, mark my words form a first-hand experience. it drains you out, saps your energy as you find for every little avenue to get more information about something/someone or try to feel closer to that thing/person. it distracts you. proving this statement, i am supposed to be reading my IB textbooks or current events. but instead, i am blogging about this obsession of mine. because it's there in my head.

so, thank you if you have taken time to read this post. i hope it served as an relaxing element or not you most probably have wasted your precious time. but if you feel that you have more time to waste(not that i encourage it) do tell me a bit more about me. :)

if you had known me long enough, do you think that i have changed? am i a better person or worse-off? do you think obsession is good? on top of that, please give me some suggestions.

after writing this, i promised myself, to stop being so obsessed. on the other hand, i think it defines who i am. but of course, drugs define a drug addict. so should he/she continue with drugs when it is so damned clear that it is killing him/her? this is my resolution before i begin my term, stop being so obsessive! i would need to focus for my IB in penang. is obsession worth my scholarship which is most probably my future? i'm not convinced right now. unless my current obsession makes me feel happy for the rest of my life, which is clearly not the case right now, no, i shouldn't depend on it. well, this current obsession of mine isn't responding very positively, which adds on the the reason why i should stop it! however, as it is always the case, everything is easier said than done.

but till i get rid of it(in which i promise that i will try), obsession is me.

p.s. purple have always been my favourite colour and it still is. :) obsession...

Women = Scapegoats

Got a Problem? Blame the Women...Gosh.... Tell me this is not male chauvinism...

It is only human nature to find scapegoats for every problem that pops up, be it someone involved or someone not involved. Need an example? Talking about the French Revolution, poor King Louis XVI was used as a scapegoat by the common people. The fact us, the French aristocracy was really corrupted, and pitiful Louis wasn’t strong enough against them. So, there he goes as a scapegoat, the reason of revolution and the reason of the downfall of the government. Further into the future, Jews were the scapegoats used by Hitler for various issues from diseases to political unrest. They weren’t so directly involved I think.

But, the problem I have right now at this moment (10.57pm, 7^th of June 2011) is not that humans find scapegoats for every problem (well, at least it is not the biggest problem for me now). Instead, it is WOMEN used as scapegoats. From the dawn of time till now (10.59am, 7^th June 2011), women are still used as pathetic excuses for the fault of anything under the sun.

Back then when science wasn’t flourishing, if you don’t get a smart/handsome/athletic baby BOY, BLAME THE WOMEN (note, this happened EVERYWHERE in the world). Ok, let’s move to the Middle East. When a female gets raped, blame the girl for not protecting herself! If a brother commits a crime in the family, send the sister to take the punishment! How about the Europe? If a baby dies during birth (most probably due to the lack of poor health/hygiene standards), burn the midwife as a witch! What happens if the husbands die shortly after marriage (due to diseases that have yet to have a cure during the medieval times)? Blame the women for bringing bad luck to the family! Now, let’s get back to the East, China. Why did King Fuchai lose his kingdom? It is because Xishi (one of the Four Chinese Beauties of ancient China) become his concubine! Why did Wu Sangui open the doors of the Great Wall at Shanhai Pass for the Manchu soldiers? It was because Chen Yuanyuan(Wu’s concubine) got caught by someone else. See the trend...? If there’s a screw-up, blame the nearest female you can...

It’s the 21^st century and yet human’s barbaric nature has yet to change. So much for gender equality and women’s rights... Quoted from guardian.co.uk, ‘A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear revealing clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes.’ Then, could the butterfly effect be the reason of the recent Japan earthquake & tsunami???? If Egypt and a host of Middle East countries are in turmoil, blame the first ladies! Be the reason ranging from corrupting the economy (yes, Suzanna Mubarak MAYBE involved in corruptions but it is still under investigations. Nonetheless, she didn’t make the policies...) to not stopping the killing of protesters (First Lady of Syria, Asma al Assad is in that position).

Getting back closer to home, the Obedient Wives Club (in my opinion) is a slap straight on the face, telling women that if you aren’t good enough in bed, you are the reason for your husband’s disloyalty. This is clearly a too simple minded way of thinking that there is only one reason for adultery. Moreover, it is a clear discrimination against women, the ones good in sex and the ones not. Hello.... this is a marriage we are talking about, not one night stand. If your boyfriend leaves you because he wants better sex, you can call him a jerk. If your husband cheats on you, you can SUE him. The law blatantly tells us that ADULTERY IS WRONG and guess who is going to get convicted? The HUSBAND and not the wife... There are many reasons for a failed marriage and saying that the women are not good enough in sex is simply unacceptable. Then can we cheat on our husbands if they cannot satisfy us in bed? Try that and someone will stress on this fact even more, women is the reason to failed marriages. So that’s number one, saying that women not being good enough in sex is the reason of failed marriages is BASELESS.

Number 2, are you saying that sex is the only thing to keep your husband at home? What more when we are told to (as quoted) “welcome them (the husbands) with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes”??? I honestly pity the children in the home in such scenarios. It is most likely a go-to-your-room-and-don’t-come-out-no-matter-what-you-hear night. The little children must be scared to death hearing the parents having panic attacks throughout the night. And yet, we wonder how our children get into pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancy and incest...

Lastly but definitely not the least, I am truly shocked to find such ideas (I’m not sure if these ideas came from females/males) against women. Those who eagerly fight for equality are now just as quickly saddened by those who wish to put women at the end of the equation, not on the other side. Perhaps it is a different view; maybe it is a different perspective, but it is definitely one that I do not want my friends and family members to believe in. For in my opinion, it is only an idea that will bring us back to once when baby girls are buried once they are born (though some are still thrown into the river in China/go unregistered and thus have no education or even the right to existence!), young girls are married off for a cow/goat and ladies stoned to death for being raped. This is not a future I want for females all around the world. So, what exactly can you do to stop this horrendous future from taking place? Please do appreciate every human (regardless man or woman) around you. If you can, go hug your mother/sister/girlfriend! :D After millennia of discrimination, female deserve something better.

*Note: this is not a hate article against testosterone driven males. Neither is it an article intended to demean anybody/organisation/belief. It is only for me to express MY OPINION. I apologise if any discomfort/anger is instigated (it is definitely not on purpose) and if any facts above are deemed questionable.

National Novice 2011

Upon demand request from Andrew, here I am posting about National Novice 2011:D Since I’m the freest nowadays anyway... Honestly, none of us ever ever (at least I didn’t) thought winning this at all, what more when we are so rusty! Yes, National Novice was the first tournament after 8 months???

But before I begin, I must express my gratitude to Zean Shiung, Prasanth and Shaun for being willing to help us prepare before the tournament. Particularly Zean Shiung, the list of things to be researched on really helped!!! :D Last but not the least, our very dear and much appreciated, Keefe :D, a senior/trainer/coach/opponent that is the reason why we can be where we are today. WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH KEEFE!!!!! J

Ok, let’s get to business. HELP University College was represented by 3 teams where HELP 1 comprised of Ian Loo Han Rong, Carmen Chua & Victoria Ngow, HELP 2 included Sophia, Abhilaash & I while HELP 3 consisted of Kailaish, Jasmesh & Shu Li. Our very professional adjudication team made up of Elena Ong, Leannza Chia, Adelyn Teoh & Ayzvara. :D Now, let’s see how HELP 2 rocked the floor!

Round 1: Education.

Up against Sri Ayesha on the motion THW teach talented students separately from their peers and we were opposition (at 10pm on a Friday night after an hour of prep time, nope it wasn’t fun). Timothy Andrew was the adjudicator. This one was definitely not our best, for it was messy and ranged from average to below average. I was dismissive at certain parts & failed to attack their mechanism properly. We barely scraped passed this one but alas, we did. J

Round 2: Democary

We, on side government, faced SMKDU 1 on the motion THW make compulsory voting. Tasneem judged this round! We were improving slightly but not enough. There was one thing that Tasneem pointed out and we totally never thought it! Voting to not vote. It could have made our case a whole lot stronger (but we did pull through :D ) Get Malaysians to be more involved in the politics and at the same time, not just simply voting for any tom, dick & harry. By then, we were quite frustrated by ourselves. Yes, stupid us....

Round 3: Geo-politics

Facing only secondary schools in the 2 rounds earlier, we felt a bit nervous being opposition, facing another university for this round, USM 1 on the motion THW invade North Korea. Adrian was the chair this time. Now the first thing I did was to attack their mechanism! YES I LEARNT! LOL... but yea, I spent a little too much time rebutting and didn’t analyse my argument on bad precedence properly :P nonetheless, we made it through J

Round 4: Women & Men

We got into ROOM 3 against PUTRA 1 being government on the motion THBT if a biological father is willing & able to raise the future child, he should have the right to prevent abortion. Darryl was the chair. We lost this one. We didn’t have a proper case even after the debate started. The major screw up I did was defining what is “able” in my PM speech. And PUTRA 1 questioned what sort of willing is this that we are proposing. But sophie pulled it back for me! She explained that we drew a parallel example to custody and however capable a father needs to be in order to win the custody, this is what he needs to be when preventing the abortion. Moreover, what other sorts of willing are there? Forced willing? We lacked analysis in how losing the foetus = to losing a family member and we were quite offensive in our cases against females (though there were soph n i on gov and all three guys on opp!) It was a 2-1 split on a close margin with the chair dissenting. We were a bit dejected :/

Round 5:So Malaysia Lah!

We opposed THW impose minimum wage in Malaysia against SDAR 2. It was our bubble round so it was PRETTY SCARY. It was do or die. For the first 20 minutes of out the prep time, we were quite blank and it was only the last 10 mins that we started forming a proper case. Groobie was the chair this round and it was a 2-1 split! It was a silent round so we only found out the next morning! And I pretty worn out that night to even care actually....

Octofinals: National Security

On the motion THW not prosecute child soldiers for the atrocities they committed during times of war, we were opposition against INTEC 2. This round made all of us pretty jumpy actually. Not only because they defined ‘atrocities’ as protecting family and country from enemy and thus, making the whole debate into a definition challenge, ALL 3 SPEAKERS kept on repeating & saying that we needed help simply because we come from HELP.... so yes, abhi retaliated in saying that INTEC= IN Total Extreme Confusion. But it was “a bit” potong because abhi didn’t say it properly! It took the crowd 2 mins to get the joke before they started to laugh. Although we pointed out the truism, we didn’t question enough links... but well, here come quarters!

Quarterfinals: Medical Ethics

We went up against PUTRA 1 again on the motion THW force feed aneroxics. But this time, we were opposition. We fought! We were determined to not let them win us for another round. Yes, a lot of competitiveness seeping in. I don’t remember much about this round actually. Probably because I was quite blur after so many rounds already...

Semifinals: Sexual Deviances (HELP 1 was in the other semis against SWAT!)

This round we were government and it was fun! Probably it’s because I learnt a lot of new (& sick) stuff. Up against TCSJ 1 on the (longest ever) motion THBT sex education classes in schools should include but not be limited to: sexual orientation, anal sex, mutual gratification & masturbation. Yeap, we talked about G-spot (something new that I learnt), orgasm (I knew that already) and a whole lot more. They came up saying that sex education will only teach young kids these things. So we pointed out that they very fact that all of us here knows about all these despite not having sex education shows that sex education may not be the source after all. One of the speakers quoted that he learnt all those from his parents. Super cool parents I must say...

Finals: THBT the state should compensate people who are wrongfully convicted of a crime against SWAT = KEEFE!

This was what we never ever expected.

1) Getting in to the finals

2) Facing the one who trained us, KEEFE!

3) Winning it.

The most ironic thing is that we still didn’t know who exactly will be in our team till the last minute. And yet, we won National Novice 2011. It felt like a dream holding all those trophies. Like what leannza said, it was a trophy feast! With 4 of us (Abhi, me, ian & soph) getting 3^rd, 6^th, 8^th & 10^th best speaker respectively + finals best speaker + each of our own champion trophies + the HUGE champion trophy that is supposed to have HELP’s name engraved into it, all of them seem quite non-existent till I saw them on my table the next morning. This victory was by far the “cleanest” one we ever had. Yes, we did have a few misdeeds back then when John & Andrew were with us :P

But the most important thing was that this victory will not be possible without John, Andrew or Keefe because they built the base for us to step on. They were the reason why we could have succeeded. Without them, most probably, we will still be struggling to understand what harms principle is. Thanks John, Andrew, Keefe. We owe you guys big time. And, this brings me to my question. WHEN ARE YOU GUYS COMING BACK??? Don’t you dare come back after Keefe fly off. Yes keefe, when will you be leaving for Aussie? :D

History Repeats

today was suppose to be fun... yes it was... but there was just one tiny little part that reminded me something i didn't want to remember

i thought it already disappeared but i never knew, it was only buried... not even deep, anything small would trigger the memory...

and now it's back, i need to get it off but it's not working very well... i need to work harder and there's mighty minds tomorrow...

it's getting harder

Breath-taking

i went to the market in my Interact uniform and short pants (to avoid dirtying my slacks) and.... HEELS. yes, white ones.... but that is definitely not the highlight of the day. neither was is arriving late at jun ning's house or spending about 15 minutes waiting for adrian who is late... again.

but it was entering the children ward.

Interact Club of SMKDJ visited IJN (Institusi Jantung Negara) or National Heart Institute last Friday, 11 June 2010. i can say this with a 100% certainty to anyone out there who thinks that their life is terrible like hell, "there are people living lives a million times worse than yours". in movies, dramas, series or even advertisements, we always see people visiting hospitals, crying in front of their loved ones, so much more drama... but i just realised that the most dramatic event that could happen in a hospital is not all the tears or wails or sobs, but simply SILENCE.

a silence so great that everything around you seems to just be numbed and emotionless.

we entered the first ward and the first child we met was called Zulhairi. when we entered, his mother was simply arranging his pillows, trying to make him feel more comfortable. we started talking to him. but he was just so silent. he only gave short replies or just one or two nods with his head. but he smiled for us when we took a picture. and that was all it took for me to feel a wave of emotions in my heart.

we visited quite a number of children. all of them were connected to multiple tubes to every possible place; arms, nose, mouth, neck... i have seen them in movies before but not in real life... and it was really heart-breaking to see kids who had barely enjoyed life to be confined to the bed with tubes all over them. most of them have fresh wounds in the middle of their chest. some of them still have bloodstains on their shirts. but all of them were very quiet. they barely spoke. and to hear them speak or smile was just all we wanted for that moment....

then we visited the infants ward. all of them were sleeping soundly. :) but with the same tubes all over them... one of them started coughing and within a moment later, he started vomiting already. the nurse explained that it was due to his condition which produces excessive mucus causing too much phlegm in his throat. he was only 2 months old...

which baby deserves a beginning like this? which child deserves a childhood like this? which mother deserves to see their own infant like this?

life can be so terrible for some in this world. sophia once asked me "why are we always on the bright side?" i don't know. i really don't know. i don't understand. for a moment or two, i wished that i was the one strapped to the bed instead of that baby boy. he is barely a year old. he haven't even taken his first step. and he is already fighting for his life in a hospital bed. why? why? why?

after calming myself down, i thought maybe these answers are meant to be found. no one can answer me except God. all that matters is to help them and to love those around us before it's too late. all that matters in now.

love your life.

It's My Life

ok, i'm going to do what a normal teenager will do today... yes, i have been a lil abnormal these days... i agree :p i'm going to blog about my life! :D

alright, let's see how things went... i went for UKM Intervarsity Debate. it was TRUCKLOADS OF FUN!!! i've met so many new people and the girls from CBN!!! :D sweet young ones... haha
i saw danial (yes again) which i found out that I MET HIM WHEN I WAS IN FORM 1!!!!
yes, it's true! i was with abhi at that SUHAKAM camp and we saw danial!!! but danial only remembers him, not me... haiz... well, it was a lot of fun seeeing danial and abhi insulting each other in UKM! (indian labour....) abhi, i am seriously joking only... don't merajuk!

then i bonded even more with sophie, lean, keefe and andrew! although soph did spend most of her time at night talking on the phone... to whom i wonder?? :p i really miss you guys. although i'm in the same class as soph and lean, it's just not the same in class and in a debate session. and keefe! he's not in school anymore and it's so hard to see him these days... and andrew!!!! he's going back to US in august... haizzz, i missing them like crazy!!! ok moving on about UKM...

we also met people from other universities. it was seriously lots of fun!!!
n then, there came exams... which isn't very much like one actually.... well, it's hard to say that it is an exam when you know that if you just take a step next door or something, you can already see the paper that you will be taking a minute later. yes, it is like this. haizzz

and now i'm here, i have a physics report to hand in tomorrow but i seriously have no mood to do it. and i was just talking to my accounts teacher about students being complacent!!! omg, kids like me these days... ok, that reminds me that i have about 10 account questions...?
life is so great right??

I AM GOING TO ENJOY MY HOLS!!! i will "de-stress" myself in order to....
prepare for more stress.... S.P.M. yeap it's just a couple of months away.... but there's trials before it first, which should be worse than SPM itself. and there comes college. time passes so fast. a minute ago i still felt like i was in Form 1 going for the SUHAKAM camp.... things really can be so unpredictable in this small small world.... but i have learned something new these days,
things will fly with or without you knowing, liking or accepting.
just live life and keep that smile up at all times. :) right wern lin??

i feel..... nothing

without realising it, the heading of my last 2 post started with "i feel...."
keeping up the tradition, let this also start with "i feel..."
but this time, i feel.... nothing
nothing at all....
it happened before last year, but it was because of too many heartaches
that i came to a point that i didn't want to feel anymore....
soon, i really didn't feel anything anymore without wanting to not feel
that time, i feel slightly worried in the head because i thought it would be bad...
and yeap, my sis told me that it was bad because i was seriously being (unemotional)
but something, someone, somehow, made me feel again last year end...
but now, it happened again, just that this time, i feel even emptier
now, i think that i came to a point that i seriously don't want to feel ever again
because certain things are really too painful to take
i am just a 17 year old girl, i don't want to feel so much
i need to get out of this, but i don't think i can anymore
not alone

i feel failure

no, i am not coping and yes, i am starting to worry.
what am i doing??
i don't know.
why am i doing all these??
i don't know either.
when are all these going to stop??
.i. .d.o.n.'.t. .k.n.o.w.
so much to do, so much at stake
i need a miracle to pull through,
god please give me one...

I Feel Contented :D

once again, DJ participated in the KDU C Q Teo Debate Challenge this year... :D
but this time is different, well the only difference isn't that we didn't win. but how the process went..
this time, there was no john, no keefe, just us... we were seriously all alone. other than andrew helping us by pointing out our flaws and ways to correct our mistakes, we practically set up our cases by ourselves mostly. of course, most of them sucked in the end. :P but, that's how we learn right?
despite DJ Team A ended their journey quarters while DJ B ended theirs in the semis ( we lost to DJ Team B in quarters btw), i felt that this was the sweetest victory we ever had. this is because we won knowledge, skills and friendship with our own effort. :)
this year's motions were much harder. and our clear lack in general knowledge was so obvious... :P well, at least now, i am finally proud to say that i know how inflation, fiscal policy, redistribution of wealth, Google.cn, israel-palestin conflict, NATO in Kabul and other things work. (yes, i didn't know all these before the competition. haha :P)
other than that, we definitely improved in terms of speaking and convincing. now, i finally learnt what adjudicators look out for in a debate and how do you sway a debate to your side. and guess what?? i think adjudicating can be AT TIMES more interesting than debating itself... :P
and without a single doubt, DJ debaters got even closer. and without deny, all the gossiping over the dinner table in sophie's house was fun... :P despite going against each other in the quarters, it brought us closer!!! and we met great people from other schools and the adjudicators were definitely really nice people and they ran the competition really well. they weren't at all hesitant to help us in every way they can. so, GOOD JOB GUYS!!! :D
i learnt so much!!!! :)
i learnt that anything and everything have a different side to it.
we shouldn't post judgement at all in any cases for we don't know what's best and what's not.
be humble because you are not the best and even if you are, what gives you the right to be arrogant?
be patient and diplomatic even if you opponent shouts "SIT DOWN MISS" at you because an eye for an eye makes the world go blind. if he's not courteous at you, should you be like him and be rude? don't scoop down to his level but be better than him because that's exactly what it takes to be a good debater, the ability to be patient and smart to outwit him. (i'm still working on that though :P)
there's a lot that we learnt this time. none of us regretted coming. but don't worry john, we will keep our promise! first attempt failed, but there's more to come! :D

Memoirs Of An Overworked Student

ok, i admit that my blog had been quite dead after being told my two different person:
1) jason
2) ericA ( my son... :P)
anyway, i have nothing much to update about actually. so, i guess i would just write about my life (which is kinda boring...) anyway, here it is.
it would not be right to say that life had been great. this is because those who see me in school would instantly know that it is a lie. those who work with me would know that it is a greater lie. and me myself would know that lying is a sin.
yes, i believe that i am overworked. but so is so many other people. for etc. my boss.... (yes, you know who you are and you know that you are overworked!!! like i have always told you "STAY CALM!!!")
i do look like a zombie in school but others are not much better. i find that some people actually looked worse than me... but, what to do??? lives of some Form 5 Djians can be quite hard... (yeah, i hear people agreeing with me, right jacq?? :P)
but, amidst of all these rush and work, i realise something... that A LOT OF people care for each other and honestly, thanks so much for it. it means lots!!! like seriously, people whom i never expected to ask me said "Are you ok, siew? you look so tired..."
well, yes i am. but i am hanging on. because i know that everything in the end will be worth it.
i believe that the school discipline will improve after so much hardwork done by the prefectorial board (GOOD JOB GUYS FOR THIS MORNING!!! :p)
i believe that DJ debaters will strive higher and finally manage to clinch a title this year.
i believe that Interact this year will be more successful and more projects to help others can be accomplished.
i believe that girl guides will revive and one day, there will be a Queen Guides from SMKDJ.
i believe that Hebat will win more trophies this year.
i believe that 5 Belian will be the FUNNEST, BEST AND MOST INTERESTING CLASS in Form 5!!! (omg... really?? *smacks myself* YES!!! )
yes, i believe. that's why i don't mind all the work and i keep hanging on. i believe. do you? to those who believe in me, please believe with me. and with this believe, we can make a change and make things better. honestly, when i look back, i see that me effort really did give me back something. you won't regret doing something meaningful. i won't.
so yea, i guess this is what i want to update. well, before that, there's something i would really like to share with you guys (Eric, i hope it's ok and you don't mind??? :P)




















so true right??? yea, i know. cause it's from Eric the *word-that-replaces-awesome-which-i don't-know-what* haha... :P (i hope this brighten your day... :D) but don't practice violence kayzzz??? as someone once told me but he also practice violence one.... :P
keep believing. i believe in you.

My Endless Gratitude

to all Gumpers of Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. at Curve,
THANK YOU!!!
although i didn't have any holidays last year end, even though i returned home dead tired every night, even if i did lost some money and a few strands of hair due to UNREASONABLE guests...
I LOVE MY WORK!!!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
I LOVE BUBBA GUMP!!!
:D
these are the great people that i will always remember in my heart!!!
Mr. Naresh
Mr. Ahmadi
Ronnie Joo!!! :D
DK!!! (once again, bukan DRIFT King)
ericA (my son/daughter at times :P!!! i'm not joking... this 20 something year old guy calls me mum...)
shasha the AWESOME!!!
and lots and lots and lots of other gumpers,
balan, yeakub, man, ahmed, zoya, harvin, gokul and the list simply goes on and on!!!
you guys made everything worth it. and for that, THANK YOU!!! :D i miss you guys so much already... but, we will see each other soon!
may God bless Bubba Gump forever! :)

I Am A GUMPER!!!

this is the company i am working in...
BUBBA GUMP!!! have you watched Forrest Gump before??? WATCH!!! it's a superb movie!!!
first day there, we spent 3 hours watching the movie!!!

































i have worked 7 days there already as a server and guess what???
it's so tiring....
but superbly awesome at the very same time!!!
i have fun working there with my jacq jacq and chee chee :P and not to mention, mouth-watering food which i have yet to taste because the price is simply sky-high for me [a working student]...
there are also great people there that i have met such as
general manager: mr. naresh
other managers: mr. ahmadi, mr. kamal, mr. ronnie joo [ronnie sir, you owe us a meal!!! :P], mr. dk [not drift king!!! but daniel kang] and also other managers from the kitchen whom i am not very familiar with as i am not under them [SORRY!!! :( ] but they are really nice and whenever i need something from the kitchen, they will get it for me!!!
my seniors: eric, shasha, siera, shaz, yeakub, faizan, mark, leah, harvin, mehboob, farhan, shohid, mehwish, divya and also lots more whom i don't really know [SORRY AGAIN!!! :( ] you guys really taught me lots of things and endless thanks for that!!!
i don't have pictures of you guys here yet but i'll soon!!! :D [i hope.... :P]
the atmosphere, is also breath-taking!!!
i have fun and that's the most important thing! so what about working from 12-10 everyday??? it's nothing compared to the fun i get everyday!!!
well, until i start losing money i guess... omg, what the hell am i saying??? touch wood!!! [touching wood]
well, here's my workplace:
















may Bubba Gump of Curve blossom more and more forever!!! :) come, come!!! visit us!!! and support us, by paying a higher bill and leaving more tips kayzzz ??? :P just kidding!!!