HATRED

i didn't want to post this but i think i really must now.

i envy those who love what they do.

i don't think i like studying.

but i don't like the non-studying activities now too.

i particularly really dislike communication.

or the lack of it or miscommunication

i guess that's why i'm destined to be in telecommunications

i wonder if it solves any of my communication problems.

i wish to find a hole & bury myself in it.

away from communication, the lack of it or the wrong type

i wish i can stop thinking about everything about me.

sinking heart...?

my heart hadn't sunk in ages. i felt it sinking just a moment ago...

A special, beautiful girl asked me today, "What's the best thing that happened to you since you came to Uplands?"

I thought for a moment and realised.

Before this, it was the freedom. But now, it has changed. :)

Thank you for the change.

Do Come True :)

thank you for making her dreams come true. she will make sure that every bit of this reality is appreciated, that she will make the most out of it & that she will never let it go, ever. :)

thank you.

Dreams...

a girl can dream, but will her dreams come true?

if only she knows how to keep on dreaming or even better still, realise her dreams!

she fears the uncertainty that her dreams may end... and she falls back onto the harsh concrete reality...

but meanwhile, she is enjoying the clouds that she's lying on, loving it to bits.

if only she could go higher, but she is contented and grateful enough with the love she has now!

please keep her on the clouds :)

Foncused...?

I'm not kidding, I'm really foncused.

Wait, no, I meant foncused. Yes, foncused, really foncused!

Or was it, confused....? I really don't know.

I have not been blogging for so long. And, it is pretty sad that my first post in 2012 is entitled "Foncused".

But, it isn't something I can deny. When you come to a point in life when you start asking yourself "What am I doing?", this is the part you get confused/lost/uncertain.

These emotions are seeping into me right now. I have tried telling myself to focus on work. But somehow, I just slip away from them. (Note: Facebook is not a very good companion for this very reason)

I end up doing everything but my work, which I do have a lot, much left undone till this very moment. This also means that I shouldn't be blogging. But, I really do need to shout it out somewhere.

I remember sometime ago how I felt numbed by too many events/loses/heartaches. But, I still managed to focus on my work.

Not this time though, everything seems so detached but real. I know what's at stake but I can't seem push myself to a level that I had once done before. I tried to remind myself of what I could have accomplished before but they are seem useless now. Perhaps it's like drugs, you get immune to them.

I think I know the reason. It's because I'm getting confused on what I want, what's most important to me. I have a vague idea but the idea is getting so blurry now.

I need shock, I need impact, I need reality.

I need something to look forward for, something that can once push me like before, to make me realise that I can no longer slack, to drive me to achieve what I want, or what I think I want.

I need sleep. I always seem so tired. Is that a reason why I feel confused, lost and uncertain? I really don't know.

It's a turmoil in me that I shouldn't be experiencing. I have a very blessed life. But, that doesn't take away all these feelings. I have always told others that you can control your emotions, at least on the surface. I'm trying hard now.

I need something, or someone...

I know that you understand me, perhaps the most among all, but will you understand all the gibberish while I myself can't? I really don't know either...

Or have I mistaken about you too?

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我不知道。

The Countdown Begins

it's really funny how the human brain works. you long for something so dearly and when it's here, it just doesn't seem to be as important anymore... is it because that "something" is now in your grasp, making it less significant? or is it because you will be losing something else for that "something"?

i'm leaving for Penang in 9 days. after waiting for so many months, i thought that i would be so excited to go! but looking at my half empty closet(though there are still LOADS of clothes! never really realised that i had SO MANY clothes...) and zipping up my overflowing luggage bag didn't seem to be as exciting as i thought that it would be. the pouring rain in the afternoon and listening to lady gaga didn't help either! i always tell everyone around me that i am JUST in Penang! a car trip takes less than 5 hours! but deep down, i know that i am indeed leaving. no matter where i'm going, i'm just not here...

moreover, it's even funnier how people that you have known for a short period of time seem to have such a great effect on your life. looking at a brighter side of things, this post is dedicated to all those who have impacted my life :) (not in the order of popularity but chronologically, according to the farewells that i already had or will soon to have :D )

1) HELP debaters

a special tribute to kailaish and kar jin, my IMU teammates who brought me to the semis! :)

as i quote kj, "its odd that i've only known all of you for a few months yet it feels much longer than that. and yet at the same time, time seems to pass so quickly. ARGH i suppose friendship is not proportional to time" (please pardon the dramatic ARGH :P) i can't agree more with his words. both IMU & KLOC had been great debating experiences! without them, i won't have made 2 incredible good friends. i'm missing the both of you so much already!!!

don't worry han rong! i'm not leaving you out! :P MDO was an equally fantastic experience. (though it would have been A LOT better with you staying awake more often :P) i shall miss your "small-boy" look! :D

to the rest of you guys, zean shiung, shaun, prashanth, dinesh & kenneth (extremely adorable seniors who brought tears to my eyes and stitches to my stomachs), adelyn & victoria (i love the bickering with abhi!) eunice & giselle (i love the picking on kailaish even more!) and definitely, jasmesh & ayzvara!!! you guys gave me awesome memories that i will never forget!

2) JACQ JACQ & CHEE CHEE! :D (my beautiful daughters)

i love the catching up session we had on sunday! i felt so comfortable pouring my heart out, telling you guys everything. mind you, no one else knows! :P AND WE DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE!!! we need more catching up sessions like that!

moreover, i'm really grateful that we decided to work together at BG. i would never forget those great times when we had so much running, yelling FLAT TYRE! :D + free refill of ice lemon tea and all the free drinks from the bar! :P

3)Primary school mates!

vanessa, suet ying, shook wai, soo hui, audrey, khai zhin & kero :) will never forget that fact that our year only had 8 chinese girls!!! thank you for making primary school year memorable for me. all the pictures that we had together are in my photo album! i only have this one below online... :/

but i shall cherish my photo album dearly, reminiscing the times we had together while we were still so young.... :)

4)(i-don't-know-what-to-call-them????)

there's a von chong, thingo, khor huan, (MORE IMPORTANTLY) a ROGER FEDERER & a RAFAEL NADAL! (it's just sher lin and audrey actually). they aren't exactly termed my secondary school mates because i just met them in form4. but nonetheless, one thing i can be sure of is that, i won't forget them. despite skipping 75% of classes, these gals never deserted me. they stuck with me for 2 whole years, in and out, and i'm so eternally grateful for such wonderful friends that they have been. i will not forget the evil gossiping sessions in chemistry class(notebook!), endless laughing sessions in class and doing homework when we are not supposed to(oh no, that's sher lin only! :P)

5)DJD

my dear coaches, andrew, john & keefe, thank you for all the coaching!!! :D (and definitely, gossiping sessions!) my darling teammates, sophie, el, lean, abhi & marc. WIRA, C Q Teo, KDUDA, IIU & HELP will never ever disappear from my memory. the memories we shared together define who i am :) juniors! dan, tim, shu wen, ken, alynna :D you all make us so proud to debate alongside with you all! little juniors! claudia, manda, alycia, hazel, carmen, andrew, jeremy, jason, shin lin, zhi wei, syafinas, tze kwang :D you guys gave me such sweet memories in HELP, IIU, Kids BP that i will always keep dearly in my heart!

i shall keep the nostalgic moments for this weekend! :P

there are so many more people that i wish to talk about this post! but then, the list will be endless... nevertheless, endless thank you from the bottom of my heart to ALL that shaped ng siew sanz. you hold a place in her heart :) forever.